The Dining Room Table

We've Moved

2005-10-26T15:00:00.000-07:00

We've Moved!!!

Thank you for visiting the Dining Room Table. However, we are no longer serving dishes at this facility. You can now get a taste of our delicious feast at:

Life is Hilarious

Peace on That

Life: The Time That We're Given

2005-08-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

Observation: This is something I wrote while riding home from work when I was in Chicago. Enjoy

So I’ve been thinking about life lately… which is something that is obviously due to the fact that I’m just around the corner from my forties. I try not to think of it, but sometimes I can’t help it. When I turned thirty, I thought, this isn’t so bad… I feel like I did when I was twenty-five. The day I turned thirty-five, I thought, this isn’t so bad… I feel like I did when I was thirty. Funny, how feeling like I did at thirty didn’t coincide with the fact that I didn’t feel like I felt when I was twenty-five. But that is a psychological analysis that I’ll leave for another day. Now, back to this thing called life.

It seems as though I’ve spent most of my life planning for tomorrow. Even after a goal is achieved, or not, there is another task at hand. So quickly do I brush aside the letdowns, the good times and the days of blah, and hurry my way to the next letdown, good time or average moment not worthy of recalling. Life, rushing by like the depreciation of a new car… once adored, but now relegated to menial tasks and traffic jams.

One day while riding the Metra home from work and fully engaged in a Dean Koontz novel, I had a revelation. I thought, what would be my reaction if I were to wake from a coma of six months with two broken legs, a broken spine and having conquered aliens from the planet Kosman 5 trying to control my subconscious and destroy my mind (You have to expect thoughts like this when reading a Koontz novel. Try to look past this disturbing thought and focus on the point I’m making). I would hope that my reaction is that no matter the prognosis, I would appreciate the fact that I am alive. And this is the gist of it.

We rarely truly appreciate the time we are given. How often do we take the time to enjoy a moment with friends, family and significant others? Often times, we are so busy planning and waiting, we don’t really live. As precious as life is, it is often taken for granted. Now, I recognize that sometimes the struggle can be so difficult that it is impossible to enjoy anything. We all have those moments. But those moments are as fleeting as any other. And that is what life is… a series of fleeting moments. Life is an ever changing, disappearing and reappearing of moments that offer something whether we choose to participate in them or not. Most of the time we choose not to participate. “I’ll do that when…” or “There will be plenty of time for that when…” That’s what we tell ourselves and it is so easy to do it because life goes by so slowly until you really start to pay attention to time.

I’ve come to appreciate time. I’ve come to embrace that there only a few things in life that go on indefinitely… God, the universe and spam email. Everything must come to an end and when it comes, it will be the very last moment to enjoy. So, until then folks, take a moment to enjoy yourself. Plan for tomorrow… but don’t be blind to today because the only thing you take time to look at is tomorrow. And for goodness sake, when you see the pale, illuminating lights in the forest is accompanied by a hypnotic pulse, turn away and run. That’s how the aliens from Kosman 5 enter your mind and will use you as a surrogate in its quest to take over the human race. But, that is just something I was thinking a moment ago… on to something else.

Me and My Girlfriend

2005-08-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

Dear "The Dining Room Table,"

Me and my girlfriend are thinking about holding up banks to get some extra loot. A little like a "Bonnie and Clyde" thing. What do you think?

jaimie: After seeing "Bonnie and Clyde" (the movie), with the gorgeous, young Warren Beatty, I too had fantasies of meeting some sweet talking man, robbing banks together, and dying romantically and historically, along with television movies being made of us and books being written. Hollywood sure makes crime-committing so cool doesn't it?

Listen: BAD IDEA. Most likely, you won't get away with it. You'll end up either dead or in jail, and worst yet, separated from your lovely better half. You'll put your family through undue grief, and other people might get hurt in the ordeal.

GOOD IDEA: Why don't the two of you rent your favorite "stick 'em up" movies ("Bonnie and Clyde", "Set It Off", "Dead Presidents" just to name a few) and snuggle up together with a big bowl of buttered popcorn? After watching the movie, do some role playing. Buy some water guns and pretend to rob a bank. You can even set up a fake bank counter and use Monopoly money. The two of you can take turns being the "bad guy", or even more fun, use a blow-up doll to be the bank teller and you both rob her unassuming self.

Keep us posted about what you decide. Oh, and by the way, please don't rob Citibank 'cuz all of our loot is in there.

james: It is obvious that Jaimie and I have different ideas of what it means to die romantically. I see myself as a dirty old man, sitting on the front porch, face down in a stack of pancakes. When Jaimie opens the front door, she notices my demises and instantly dies of a broken heart - the jar breaking in the fall and spreading maple syrup across the porch and down the stairs. The neighbors find us, cold, sticky and covered with leaves and bees. That's romantic. But I digress.

If your finacial state is such that you are contemplating walking over to the dark side, then maybe you two could get jobs as strippers and pretend to be Bonnie & Clyde. It's an excellent theme and you can pretend to rob the patrons of their dollar bills. You'd make money, stay alive and might even rekindle a little romance in the process. Hopefully, we won't be reading about you in the papers.

By the way, I saw the movie Bonnie & Clyde - the ending wasn't pretty. You have two good ideas to run with. And that is much better than running from the law. Good Luck.

Putting Up With a Paralegal Parasite

2005-08-03T13:13:00.000-07:00

Why are some men idiots? As a man, I realize my own tendency to grovel in the muck we call masculinity but I have my limits. Jaimie is using a paralegal to take care of some legal documents and this guy has proven himself an incompetent jerk. First, it takes him forever to follow through on things he knows needs his attention. Second, he piece-meals information so we never know exactly what is going on until it is crunch time. It got so bad that Jaimie got discouraged with dealing with him so asked me to communicate with him hoping that he’ll perform his job better if it were a man breathing down his neck. This did work, somewhat. But this isn’t my problem. My problem is that the guy keeps hitting on my girl. I’m baffled by this blatant disrespect and unprofessional act. She has told the gentleman (and I use that term – loosely) that she has a boyfriend several times. Now, after talking with me on the phone, you would think that the man would have the sense not to hit on my girl. Well, he doesn’t.

A couple of weeks ago he called and had her come sign some papers. On her way out of the door he ask, ‘so when are me and you going out?’. Naturally, Jaimie told him never but the nerve of this guy. Here I am being the cool brother trying to get some business taken care of and he’s making moves. Now, based on hood politics, I have the right to call him up and cuss, not curse, but cuss him out. I would venture to say that a combination of a right jab to the stomach and a left to the jaw is in order. But I’m grown now and I can’t resort to such violence. But I want to… badly. What I will do is put him and his company on blast. As soon as all of the paperwork is complete, I’m going to post his company’s name and tell the world just how despicable and unprofessional of a paralegal he his. The bastard.

Check Please.... Keeping That Woman in Line

2005-08-03T13:12:00.000-07:00

I hear women say that they want a man that can "handle" them. I've even heard them say that they want a man that can check them when they get out of line. So I am wondering if women want a man or a father? Here is a question for the ladies, why can't you handle yourselves? This is the argument against dating nice guys. Why is that unless you bust a woman in the eye, she's not interested?

Sorry About That

2005-08-03T13:08:00.000-07:00

Sorry about not posting. We're back and will try to bring the heat.

Shocking! Scandalous! He Doesn't Like Big Butts!

2005-06-29T08:32:00.000-07:00

Dear "The Dining Room Table,"

I'm a pretty good looking guy and have dated a lot of beautiful women. Most of these women were skinny with very small frames. Also, most of the women were white, hispanic, or asian. Now, I am with a black woman. She is small too, but has a really big butt. I'm not really used to that. I am proud to be a black man, and for the first time I'm finding myself really attracted to black women-but I'm not used to the "big butt" thing yet. Am I crazy?

james said: I don’t mean to preach but…

My brother, many have gone astray and found themselves in the throws of a flat-bottom, ironing board backside woman. And not to say that there is anything wrong with a woman who lacks a certain puffiness in the rear, but there is nothing that compares to a woman having what many black men on the streets like to call… an onion booty… an apple bottom… a big ole butt. And now that you are no longer a part of the wayward flock that celebrate linear profile of no-back having woman, you must relearn to appreciate the booty. My suggestion to you is that you take possession of the butt at every opportunity and delve into it with reckless abandonment. A booty is something to behold… to be cherished… to be looked upon with great admiration.

I admonish you to go to your woman and take hold of her butt and know that what you feel in your hands could never be felt from a thin-railed, pencil-shaped, meatless-booty woman. And once you have gotten into the proper mindset about the booty, then follow the prophetic words of Bel Biv Devoe and "slap it, feel it, rub it down". And enjoy the bounty that has been beset upon your house. Good luck my brother… and welcome back.

jaimie: The theory goes something like this: black men like curvaceous women with big butts, white men like skinny women with big breasts, latino men like curvaceous women with beautiful legs, and asian men love a beautiful face. Sometimes, there is a glitch in the system and everything gets thrown off, and we have chaos and uproar (from women, mostly).

Marilyn Monroe, considered one of the sexist American women in history, was a reported size 14. During the 1950's and 1960's , when she was at her reign, men loved a white woman with a huge ass. Now, thanks to Paris Hilton and the newly grotesquely-skinny Lindsay Lohan (she was soooo cute before!), the whole idea of sexy and beautiful has changed. Alas, you too, dear sir, have become a victim.

But it's not too late for you. You have reached out for help, and we are here to help you. I must acknowledge that I myself have a body on the small scale, but as james so eloquently puts it, "You have a nice ass-to-waist ratio, jaimie." I am not quite sure what this prophetic statement completely entails, but in male language, I translate it to be "You got a nice ass, girl." james is quite thankful for my rear proportion, which is enlightening.

No, you are not crazy, just led astray momentarily. It seems that you have found a great girl with a fantastic body. Enjoy it. You will probably find yourself now admiring other women's bottoms, and your girlfriend may need to put a leash on you. You may even find yourself tempted to make comments to women on the street, acknowledging how round and full their bottoms are. Please refrain from such comments, but it is okay to silently recognize their beauty and move on.

Good luck to you and your girlfriend.

The Four Rules Every Women Should Know

2005-06-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

james: A friend of mine, who I presume is out of his mind, has four rules for women. His feeling was that men would be a lot happier – and in return, make women a lot happier if they followed his four simple rules. When he first mentioned this idea, I was intrigued. After all, I’ve seen all the books on what men should do to make their women happier. And then there are the dating rules for women and a host of others that prescribe to help deal with the difficulties that men bring to their lives.

“So, hit me with these rules.” I said. Well, he did and as amusing as they were, I found little value in them. In my opinion, his rules were a recipe on how to dismantle your relationship in one day. But, I thought about it some more and wondered; what would the world be like if women were to follow his four little rules?

Well, lets take a look at them.

Rule #1: Be seen and not heard. How many men out there have wish their women would walk around in a sexy outfit while the game is on and not say a word until there are only zeros on the clock? Prince sang in “If I Were Your Girlfriend”, ‘together we will stare into silence and try to imagine what it looks like.’ We’d surely find out with the implementation of this rule.

Rule #2: Speak when spoken to: There are a lot of arguments that would have never taken place if women were to abide by this rule. Women may not know this, or maybe they do and don’t care, but men do roll their eyes. Never in front of you, but know when you bring up a subject that he is not in the mood to discuss, his eyes are rolling in his mind. With this rule, men could use those brain cells for thoughts about upcoming draft picks or draft beer.

Rule #3: Come when called: Rarely does it happen, but think of all the times you tried to get your point across and your woman walked away. Well, this rule in combination with Rule #1 would go a long way in our ability to get finally the last word in an argument. I’m still a little suspect on this rule. It seems like one that can backfire real fast..

Rule #4: Go when sent: Ask anyone that has been in an accident and they will tell you that it happened in slow motion. Well, the same thing occurs when arguing with a woman. We can see things deteriorate but we have no choice but to deal with the inevitable… crash! Well, that would go away with this rule. Just before the avalanche hit we could send it in another direction and return to the environment set by Rule#1.

Conclusion: I would never, ever, never-ever, never-ever-never attempt any of these rules from the Jurassic era. But I’m just asking… what if?

Tell That Man To Get A Job!!!

2005-06-17T13:05:00.000-07:00

Topic of Discussion: Let's say your husband lost his job and decides to go the entrepreneur route. Just how patient would you be with his unemployment status while he builds his business?

james: I have a friend. Let's call him Henry. Henry is starting his own company and spends most of his day hustling up business. Now, he’s been hustling for several years and his girl is quite petered with his lack of income. We talk, and he tells me how his status has dropped a couple of notches in the home. Here is just one of the many barbs his girlfriend has thrown his way over the past year: "You can decide what I make for dinner when you decide to buy some groceries. Oh, that's right...you ain't got no job." At what point do you look at the man, raise your hands and say... "ENOUGH"? Please share your thoughts.

Excuse Me Sir, But Can You Spare A Dime-Piece?

2005-06-13T10:48:00.000-07:00

Dear "The Dining Room Table,"

I am writing you about something that a lot of guys might not think is much of a problem, but I do. My girlfriend and I have been together for about 6 months. She is really pretty and has really big breasts. We are together all the time, but men look at her, even when I am holding her hand and obviously her boyfriend. I never say anything to these guys, but I am starting to get really pissed off.
My question is, do I continue being a gentleman and not say anything, or should I do something? What do you think my girlfriend would want me to do?

jaimiekrishna: There is a fine line between being diplomatic and bashing someone's skull in with a brick. Men look-a lot. They are not even slick about it or try to hide it either. I can't tell you how many times I've walked down the street and passed a man. I turn around, and his beady little eyes are observing my rear end, legs, back-whatever he can see in his mere 2.5 seconds before he catches me catching him. Yuck... I have to admit I'm tempted to pick up the nearest rock and throw it at him, but then he might hit me back and we would both spend the night in jail.
It is the occupational hazard of having a beautiful woman on your arm-men will stare at her and care less about you. You are invisible to them. Men have a one-track mind and are still very much like primates. They know that they saw a male gorilla walking with the female gorilla through the streets of LA, but all they can think about is humping the female gorilla.
Of course, you could always buy your girlfriend a HUGE princess cut diamond ring, change her status from "girlfriend" to "wife", and tie her up in the closet and keep her there until she's so old her breasts are sagging to the ground. Realistically, you would have better luck just living a life with gratitude-you have a girlfriend who loves walking around town with you and who is proud to call you her man. And not only that-she's beautiful! Men would love to have what you have, so appreciate her. And as far as what to do when the other men look at her-nod your head at them and say hello. They probably won't hear you because they are primates (remember that: primates! primates! primates!), but it's better than my first inclination to hit them with a rock.

james: So how big are your girl's breasts? I'm just kidding. Really, send a picture next time so we can truly assess the scope of your problem. Ha Ha!!! These are just jokes. Seriously, my suggestion is that you ignore them unless they violate your space. I notice men looking at Jaimie all the time. They try to be slick about it - but I see them. Men look at attractive women but from my experience, they won't get out of line if the woman is with a man. It may be irritating but you have to know that you are not the only man in the world that finds your lady attractive. Deal with the looks unless the men are blatantly disrespectful. You'll look like a raging maniac if try to go upside the head of every gent that paws over your woman. You'll find yourself spending more time trying to pull your foot out of someone’s butt (or pulling one out of your own if you lack skills) than enjoying the beautiful woman that you have on you arm. And that is no way to spend a sunny day when your girl is walking around in thigh-high shorts and a halter-top. Its a zoo out there, kid - filled with caged animals, and you're walking in the middle of the primate's den during feeding hour - but just deal with what is on your plate and let them watch you eat. Hell, they could always go find their own portion of cornbread.

jaimiekrishna: Please send no pictures.

The Palette

2005-06-08T21:42:00.000-07:00

I grew up with a consistently available white mother and an occasionally available black father in sunny Santa Monica, California. My first question I can remember asking my mother about color was, "Why is everyone in Africa black?" I don't remember my mother's response, but most likely it was dignified and intellectual.

I've heard two theories about my biracial background from well-meaning people: "Life is going to be so easy for you because you're pretty and light-skinned" and the always present opposing statement "Life is going to be very hard for you because you are so pretty and light-skinned."

In truth, both theories have played themselves out in my 29 years of lifetime. People have made assumptions about what kind of woman I must be because of the way I look. Some men actually stand in shocked surprise that I am not just a pretty face but my head actually contains a brain to go along with it. Women are surprised about how down to earth I am and how easy it is to talk to me. People are awed that I have managed to not get into acting, modeling, or video-hoing.

Everyone wants to feel like they belong to something-some group, some organization, some acceptance. We wear t-shirts with team logos because we want to belong. Regardless of what we may say, we long to be labeled with such terms as "liberal", "revolutionary", and "innovator". I have always detested labels, especially when they are put upon me by people who don't know me. One time, while at a concert, I was labeled (and quite incorrectly, I might add). I was dressed in all black-a black leather halter top, black skirt, and black heels. I had on dark eyeliner and mascara. This is how I looked. I ordered a drink from the bar, paid the bartender, and turned away. The bartender, who assumed I wasn't listening, leaned into the other bartender and said "Mexican Goth chick." And just like that, I was labeled.

Not only am I not Mexican, I am in no way Goth nor will I ever be. Simply based on a visual representation, I was labeled. Reality is, because of who I am, because of my indescribable "ethnic" look, the statements will remain as labels by curious onlookers, but will hold little validity to the woman I am inside.

We unknowingly label others in order to make sense of those around us. Many times, latinos of Los Angeles immediately begin speaking to me in Spanish, asking for directions or the time. I mutter embarrassingly "I don't speak Spanish" (I still feel guilty that after 3 years of studying the language I find it difficult to construct a sentence). Most of the people attempting to share the language with me look confused and annoyed, as if I should speak Spanish, because you're Latino aren't you? One time a latino man I was working with in a small coffee house asked me my name. I told him it was Jaimie and he said "No, it's Jaime (the Spanish form of Jamie), be proud of who you are!" I had to explain to him that I was not a latina. His response was, "Well, you look like one."

I don't suspect that anytime soon we will stop seeing the idea of what "beautiful" is in the media and in our country. Thumbing through the pages of any magazine, there are scores of women, but at least the women are composed of all hues from the human color spectrum for us to dream about, loathe, and love.

JaimieKrishna

Mommy Dearest

2005-06-03T11:22:00.000-07:00

Dear "The Dining Room Table,"

My fiancé’s family lives about an hour away from my family. During the holidays, she spends Christmas Eve at my family’s house and leaves early Christmas day to open presents with her parents. I usually end up leaving that afternoon to have dinner at her parent’s house. We’ve been doing it this way for three years. My mother has never like this and feels that my fiancé should stay with me the entire time. She mentions that once we have children, she doesn’t want them running out of the house to spend the day somewhere else. I’ve ignored her but now she’s bringing up all of the other special days that I’ll have to share with another family. She has always been a little possessive and I think it will only get worse after I’m married. What should I do?

jaimie: Moms can be so controlling! It also sounds like you might be considering letting good ol' mom control you a little more. You are an adult, with a soon-to-be new wife. Women really don't like "mama's boys". We view them as weak, childish, and dependent. Your girlfriend may be nice about your mom now, but give it a few years and your mother will be the center of a lot of arguments.

You should continue doing things the way that you have been for the last 3 years. This system works well for you and your girlfriend. It is okay to say no to Mommy and it is okay to do things that are best for you and your relationship. Yes, you do have to deal with your mom, but it will be your wife you come home to every day.

Luckily your girlfriend sounds pleasant-your mom appears to be the trouble-maker. Cut dependent ties with your mom and I guarantee a happy marriage. Count on mom to make your favorite dish and spoil the kids-but don't let mom determine how you spend your holidays with your family.

james: The system that you and your girlfriend have is working so I would keep the status quo. There may be some adjustments when children come into the picture but you can cross that bridge when you get to it. Perhaps mom is having a hard time not having her baby boy around on Christmas day or she may see your girlfriend as a threat to the time she gets to spend with you. Either way, you would be wise to let your mom know exactly how you are going to spend your time on the holidays. Your fiancé will not like your mom dictating plans to you from afar. Now, you could always invite your folks and her folks to your house for Christmas dinner. That could open up a new can of worms, but at least you are not the one making the drive at the end of the night.

I Gotta Crush

2005-06-02T08:30:00.000-07:00

How many of you have experienced a crush?

Dear "The Dining Room Table",

Everyday I walk to school and I pass by this girl's house that I really like. Sometimes I’ll wait at the corner for her to leave the house so we can walk to school together. We’ve been knowing each other since Elementary and she is always nice to me. Which is cool cuz I’m not that popular and she’s a cheerleader. She even lets me walk home with her from school. I haven’t tried asking her out but she’s already hinted that I’m too young for her. I’m a freshman and she’s a junior. I want to ask her out anyway. Should I and how should I do it? Am I just wasting my time?

James:
The more things change, the more things stay the same. You are experiencing a long established rule of high school dating: girls do not date younger guys. What you have on your hand is a friendship with a popular girl who doesn’t seem to care about your social status or lack of. By not discouraging you from walking with her to and from school, she has pegged you as a decent enough person not worthy of the "pest" label. My suggestion is that you enjoy the friendship. You may find that one day you and she may cherish those early morning conversations.

Until then, if you need to raise your social status and your dating options, join a school club or a sports team. Don’t relegate yourself to the shadows of high school life where your only memories are that of being pinned in a locker by steroid-induced jocks or standing outside the gymnasium where the Homecoming dance is taking place with Henry Whickenmeir - who has demented plans to pour formaldehyde in the tank of the football team’s bus. That is not a good memory to take into adulthood. And remember this, one day you’ll be an upperclassman and have your pick of the litter. Meanwhile, enjoy your friendship and enjoy those high school dances.

But lets get Jaimie's take on this. She was a high school cheerleader.

jaimie: Yes, I was a cheerleader. I was not part of the popular clique, which was mostly comprised of girls who lived above Montana Avenue in Santa Monica, but well liked. I would have never dated anyone younger than me. I actually preferred older guys, as most high school girls do. They are just so much more interesting than a 14 year old!

It sounds like you have found a really good friend from the neighborhood. I'm glad that she's sweet to you. You sound like a really nice young man. You should express your feelings to her. Remember to hope for the best, but expect the worst. There is a small chance that she will date you, but don't count on it. Other people's opinion is extremely important in high school, so she will consider what other people will say. That alone is enough not to date a freshman! Also keep in mind that she will be leaving high school soon, and most long distance relationships from an 18 year old don't last.

I agree that you should check out some of the high school clubs and organizations. As mentioned by james, I was a cheerleader, but also part of the Black Student Union, nominated for Homecoming queen, classroom representative, and part of the Future Fashion Designers Club of Santa Monica High School, and I graduated with honors. As soon as I got to college, all I did was study and was involved in none of those organizations in college-but they sure looked good on my college applications! Find what interests you, even if it doesn't involve cute and popular high school juniors.

Good luck.

Father Found

2005-06-01T06:14:00.000-07:00

Topic of discussion: Father’s Day is fast approaching and I would like to pose a question to our readers. Are today’s black men more involved in their children’s lives than the black fathers of previous generations?

One recent Saturday afternoon, I observed numerous men hanging out in the park with their families in tow. I noticed that a lot of the men were “hands on” with their children. They pushed swings, balanced kids on the monkey bars or played soccer or baseball with them. It would seem logical that the type of man that takes his child to the park is the type to engage his child. But I see black men with their children everywhere I turn. They are at the mall, restaurants, auto part stores or just walking down the street. Maybe I’m noticing them more as I am now in a father figure role or maybe times are changing. There was a time when absentee fathers were the norm in the black community. There have always been men who played father figure to the children whose fathers were not around - as was the case in my own life. But black men as fathers have always been an issue. And maybe that is still the case. But is it possible that the fatherless children of yesteryear are becoming today’s involved fathers? Are economics a major factor? I’m not sure if I would see the same level of participation if I were to venture into Watts or South Central, Los Angeles. But I could be wrong.

Chef Boyardee

2005-05-30T11:50:00.000-07:00

Oh...I really like this guy. He sounds so sweet and so...bachelor-like. Read on...

Dear "The Dining Room Table",

I met a woman recently, but we haven't gone out on a date yet. I was thinking that I would make dinner at my house for her. The problem is, I'm not that great of a cook. I can make the basic stuff, but nothing special. Should I go ahead with the dinner?

jaimiekrishna: OOOHHHH...that is so sweet! They say a way to man's heart is through his stomach, but I must admit that it's the same for us ladies.

Who cares if you're not Emeril or Wolfgang Puck? Pick the one dish that you make the best and make it with a lot of love and desire (think: "Like Water for Chocolate", and if you have no idea what I'm talking about, then rent the movie tonight). I'm sure that she will love your attempt at domestication, even if it tastes disgusting and is comprised of Spam.

Aaahh...new love...such a splendid thing...just don't boil hot dogs with a side of potato chips.

james: Let me tell you something... I burned the Rice-A-Roni the first time I tried to make dinner for Jaimie. She hasn't trusted my cooking since. Dinner is about setting the mood. As long as the ambiance is right, then everything else is gravy. Of course, if the gravy has lumps in it, that could blow the rest of the evening. Order something from a Greek restaurant, pull out your Barry White CD, set the table with candles and have yourself a nice dinner at home. If your date asked if you made the meal - lie, 'Yeah, its the only thing I know how to make really well.' That will show her that she is worth some effort on your part and there won't be any looks of despair at the table when she tastes your over-cooked chicken and under-seasoned potatoes. You can let the truth out on the fourth or fifth date. Hell, Jaimie still won’t eat my scrambled eggs. Order out buddy.

jaimiekrishna: Whoa...hold up cowboy. You are suggesting that this nice, decent man lie to this sweet, unassuming young lady on their very first date? No, no, no!!! Don't lie-always be honest. Go with my advice-please. Make for dinner whatever it is you can make the best and let her experience it. What are the odds that she'll never see you again because you're cooking was bad? What are the odds that she'll leave you because you a lying, deceitful pig? Weigh your choices...please go with the homemade dinner. And by the way, james didn't burn the rice. He didn't even get that far. I made him throw it out because he didn't read the directions and tried to boil Rice A Roni as if it were plain white rice.

James: I jacked the rice up pretty bad... that is true. OK, don't lie, but have a backup plan. There is no point sitting through a bad meal when you know your culinary skills are not up to par. And I'm still not sure what is wrong with my scrambled eggs.

Oh, That Internet!

2005-05-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

Today we received an email about internet cheating:

Dear "The Dining Room Table",

My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years and have lived with each other for one of those. Last night my computer crashed so I used my girlfriend's laptop to get on the Internet. I noticed in her browser history a link to an Internet dating site. I clicked on the link and was automatically logged into her account. I was shocked. The site history showed that she was active within the last 24 hours. Her profiled stated that she was single. I am hurt by this discovery. I’ve seen no evidence of her cheating until now. Should I confront her or just pay more attention? I love her and don’t want to lose her but I am not sure if can trust her. Help!!!

james: There is a saying, “It’s written all over your face”. Well, in your case, it’s written all over the web. Your girl is either cheating or preparing to cheat. Obviously, there are some unresolved issues in your relationship so I would start there. The first step is to confront her. Let her know that you know about the profile and you want her to delete it. Then start talking. It may not work out, but at least you won’t get blind-sided by a Dear John email. If she refuses to delete the profile then you might as well pack your bags because that ship has sailed. If you decide to stay and still have a hard time trusting her, take a trip to your local spy shop. There are all types of software to track Internet use and GPS tracking devices to track her every movement. Now if you have to resort to those methods, then you’ve got some serious issues. Hope things work out for you buddy.

Jaimiekrishna: Wow! James doesn’t play when it comes to proving your spouse is cheating! I wouldn’t demand her to do anything. Keep in mind-two can play at the same game. I suggest that you go on the same dating site and create a profile, but do not include a picture. Find out if the site even considers the two of you compatible, which should bring some interesting results. Then, if you are compatible, see if she contacts you via email (of course, she won’t know it’s really you). If she doesn’t contact you, then contact her via email. If she responds-you got her!
If you don’t know this already, most people who use online dating services are looking for long-term relationships, and even marriage. You said that you live together…thinking about marriage anytime soon? Maybe she wants to get married and you don’t, and she’s hoping to find someone who wants marriage as well.
Ultimately, you should probably let her go. She’s definitely searching. But when you leave, remember to call and disconnect the Internet provider…ha, ha!

What Happened to the Salsa Instructor?

2005-05-29T07:40:00.000-07:00

We recently got an email from a young woman. She wrote:

Dear "The Dining Room Table",

Two weeks ago I went on a date with a man I met at a salsa club in LA. We hit it off right away in the club and exchanged phone numbers. He called me and we went out. We had dinner and went salsa dancing. He is a salsa instructor, so he definitely showed me a few moves on the dance floor. We danced for 6 hours and had a great time. He said he wanted to see me again and I agreed. The strange part is, he never called. And even stranger, 3 days after the date, I got a text message from him, stating that he gave my boss a "good word" for me. He even knew my boss's name! What happened?

Sincerly,
One Date, Wonder?

jaimiekrishna: Oh, I hate when that happens! You think you had a great time with someone fabulous-and then they never call you again. There could be a variety of reasons he never called. I have to admit I'm guilty of this myself. I've gone on first dates with men and never called them again either. Reasons: they bored me to death, they didn't understand my vocabulary, or I didn't like the way they mixed their peas with their mashed potatoes (all legitimate reasons by my standards). Listen: men are very confusing and usually don't know what they want. First of all, the salsa instructor met you at a club ( a SALSA club). He probably thought you were beautiful and a potential private dancer. Maybe he wanted to do more than dance with you. You didn't want to more than dance with him, and he dropped you like a hot serrano chile. Men are a mystery and they don't know what they want.
And about that text message: eewwww!!! yucky!!!!! scary!!!! Consider going downtown to the courthouse and pay a nice visit to the restraining order department and just put a good word in on Mr. Salsa. Wow-he can't call you but he can investigate who you work for and the name of your boss?
Also, what about taking up polka dancing?
Your thoughts, james?

james: Personally, I think the man knew exactly what he wanted. He's a salsa instructor and is probably use to laying his mac on unsuspecting newbies. "My name is Ricky Suave, let me show you my moves." And since he probably looked like Ricky Martin, you fell for it and he thought to himself, "I'll show her my hot moves on the floor, then bump uglies with her in my villa overlooking the ocean." So after six hours of foreplay on the dance floor, he thought you were the one. You didn't fall for it, so now you're on his short list. No mystery to it. As for the text message: first evidence of a stalker... you're better off without him. Six hours of salsa dancing is not a good idea for a first date... too suggestive. Try going to see "The Blue Man Group" or "River Dance". If you get a call back after that, you've probably found a decent guy... or one that at least willing to wait to get the goods. Just my thoughts.

Welcome

2005-05-28T11:43:00.000-07:00

Wecome to our dining room table