Shocking! Scandalous! He Doesn't Like Big Butts!

Dear "The Dining Room Table,"

I'm a pretty good looking guy and have dated a lot of beautiful women. Most of these women were skinny with very small frames. Also, most of the women were white, hispanic, or asian. Now, I am with a black woman. She is small too, but has a really big butt. I'm not really used to that. I am proud to be a black man, and for the first time I'm finding myself really attracted to black women-but I'm not used to the "big butt" thing yet. Am I crazy?

james said: I don’t mean to preach but…

My brother, many have gone astray and found themselves in the throws of a flat-bottom, ironing board backside woman. And not to say that there is anything wrong with a woman who lacks a certain puffiness in the rear, but there is nothing that compares to a woman having what many black men on the streets like to call… an onion booty… an apple bottom… a big ole butt. And now that you are no longer a part of the wayward flock that celebrate linear profile of no-back having woman, you must relearn to appreciate the booty. My suggestion to you is that you take possession of the butt at every opportunity and delve into it with reckless abandonment. A booty is something to behold… to be cherished… to be looked upon with great admiration.

I admonish you to go to your woman and take hold of her butt and know that what you feel in your hands could never be felt from a thin-railed, pencil-shaped, meatless-booty woman. And once you have gotten into the proper mindset about the booty, then follow the prophetic words of Bel Biv Devoe and "slap it, feel it, rub it down". And enjoy the bounty that has been beset upon your house. Good luck my brother… and welcome back.

jaimie: The theory goes something like this: black men like curvaceous women with big butts, white men like skinny women with big breasts, latino men like curvaceous women with beautiful legs, and asian men love a beautiful face. Sometimes, there is a glitch in the system and everything gets thrown off, and we have chaos and uproar (from women, mostly).

Marilyn Monroe, considered one of the sexist American women in history, was a reported size 14. During the 1950's and 1960's , when she was at her reign, men loved a white woman with a huge ass. Now, thanks to Paris Hilton and the newly grotesquely-skinny Lindsay Lohan (she was soooo cute before!), the whole idea of sexy and beautiful has changed. Alas, you too, dear sir, have become a victim.

But it's not too late for you. You have reached out for help, and we are here to help you. I must acknowledge that I myself have a body on the small scale, but as james so eloquently puts it, "You have a nice ass-to-waist ratio, jaimie." I am not quite sure what this prophetic statement completely entails, but in male language, I translate it to be "You got a nice ass, girl." james is quite thankful for my rear proportion, which is enlightening.

No, you are not crazy, just led astray momentarily. It seems that you have found a great girl with a fantastic body. Enjoy it. You will probably find yourself now admiring other women's bottoms, and your girlfriend may need to put a leash on you. You may even find yourself tempted to make comments to women on the street, acknowledging how round and full their bottoms are. Please refrain from such comments, but it is okay to silently recognize their beauty and move on.

Good luck to you and your girlfriend.